On Personal Relationships: Communication Is More Than Spoken Words

What can I say? Success in life is in direct proportion to the success you have in your relationships. Success in your relationships is in direct proportion to the success you have in communicating.

The bottom-line is, communication builds your relationships, and your relationships determine how fulfilling your life is. If you'll concentrate on properly communicating with those you have relationships with, your relationships will flourish. And as a result, your life will flourish.

I mean it! I know folks who don't have half of the material wealth (etc., etc.) as other folks I know. Yet these, very same folks savor every single breath they take. They enjoy life -- every precious breath. While on the other hand, some of the other folks I know who have the outward, material appearance of success, dread getting up in the morning, or can't wait just to get away for the weekend.

Now, there's nothing wrong with getting away for the weekend. But if you're only enjoying life two days a week, you're ripping yourself off. I mean, come on. That's a 29% batting average; and 29% is only good in baseball... and as baseball great Satchel Paige said, "This ain't baseball, this is your life!"

Now, let's examine this thing we call "communication" a little deeper. After all, if it's so vital to our inner fulfillment and well being, we should know a little more about it.  

Communication is much more than the spoken word. We all know this. Sometimes, a person will say they "love us", but we don't feel love. Why?

Because something, other than the words, communicated otherwise. Perhaps it was an action (or inaction). We say, "If he (or she) loved me, he would not have done that" or "...would have done such and such."

Perhaps it was a sigh, or a roll of the eyes, or a fleeting glance. "What are you sighing about?", "Don't roll your eyes at me!", "What was that look for?"; you've experienced all of these.

These non-verbal forms of communications are as crucial as the verbal. If we are careful with our gestures directed towards others, we may avoid these types of non-verbal slips. And on the flip-side, we can't take every little non-verbal slip as an "I don't care about you" or a "you're not significant" statement. That's simply not always the case.

Of course we need to be aware of our tone of voice and the other auditory cues we give (e.g. hmmm's, heavy sighs, etc.) These can be (and often are) taken the wrong way. After all, we usually express these when we are disappointed. Which doesn't mean we care less for someone. Actually, usually it's the contrary; we're usually disappointed because we do care, and expect more. (More on managing expectancies in another article.)

Now, there's nothing wrong with being disappointed. As I said, it's usually a sign of caring, but these little non-verbal gestures are often taken as a statement of, "I wish you were better" or "you're inadequate." This may stem from the other person's low self-esteem, but let's discuss what we can do to ease these situations when we make these gestures:

1. We can explain ourselves and our expectations. I often take blame (in the loose sense of the word) for expecting too much. Simple truth-- hope for the best from others, but do not expect it. Now, do expect more of yourself-- just not others. Explaining our expectations, and the fact that we might have expected too much, will put the other person at ease-- knowing that we are not placing blame. Another phenomena that may occur, is the other person may start to perform to our expectations. That's right. People will perform at higher standards if they know it's expected (and not required).
    

2. Admit to our bad habits and make a commitment to change. I'm as guilty as anyone at jumping the gun, snapping back and just plain-old retaliation. It's a reflex trait, and a bad one. We just have to communicate that we're not perfect and that we're striving to improve because we love the other person. Usually, if we wait ten seconds before responding, we'll respond appropriately in the first place.
    

3. Ask for forgiveness. Because humans are so prideful, this is the last thing we want to do. But in actuality, it should be the first. The only perfect person was crucified. And that certainly wasn't you or me. I mean, come on-- we're human; we make mistakes; we have other things on our mind; and we can apologize for not putting our loved ones first.

The common denominator in these three solutions is communication. In fact, we could list pages of solutions, and the common denominator for all would be communication. 

Why?

Because communication is the common denominator of life. It's that simple. By improving you communication skills, you improve your relationship skills, and ultimately improve your life.

Tell someone special, "You're special!" Tell someone you love, "I love you!" Then watch your relationships, and your life, blossom.

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